Love is powerful. It causes us to become giddy, excited, happy, confident, trusting, and strong. It can also cause sadness, tears, anger, rage and to become mournful. It's one of the strongest feelings in our scheme.
cour·age/ˈkɜrɪdʒ, ˈkʌr-/ Show Spelled [kur-ij, kuhr-]
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2. Obsolete . the heart as the source of emotion.
3. have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, especially in spite of criticism.
I don't know about you, but reading the definition for courage evokes an emotion inside me. It makes me want to face everything I've not and take care of business.
It also reminds me that to have courage, one must face many demons which could've been lurking for many years.
One of my biggest demons is dealing with a past relationship. I've made HUGE strides in dealing with the emotional roller coaster involved in a break up, but it wasn't a typical relationship. It was hurtful, hate-fueled, demeaning, and spirit-breaking. It made me feel like I was less than I truly am and it took many years for me to feel close to whole again.
However, I realized I wasn't whole, because as many strides as I had made to better myself there was one thing still missing.
I was scared to love.
I don't mean scared. I mean SCARED. I was scared to open myself up again for fear anything I said would be used against me. I was scared to care because someone had used up what I had and thrown it in my face. I was scared to cry from missing someone because they didn't miss me. I was scared to show affection for fear it wouldn't be returned.
I was scared to be human to someone on a level that had previously been trampled, beaten and stomped upon.
I lost a couple of amazing friendships over being scared. That's okay. I couldn't appreciate what those people were for me. I miss them now and hopefully I can re-kindle and make up for what I did.
I would like to say I am no longer SCARED but a tiny little voice does pop up to be an asshole. I remind myself that these emotions I am experiencing now are not related to the people I love. They are not the reasons why I am scared and I should not push those emotions onto them or the relationships we have now. I would like to say this is easy, but it is not. I would like to say I do not have flashbacks to a time which I felt less secure and less courageous, but I cannot.
What I can say is that everyday I grow a little stronger and everyday more appreciative of the courage and strength which is steadily growing in me. I can say everyday I am more thankful then I have been in my entire life for what is given to me. I can remind myself of the love I feel around me always and how much I yearned for it. Daily reminders of people whom care for me in a way I never hoped and acceptance for who I am envelope me to provide warm security.
Every day I am more and more thankful. Every day I become more whole.
Peace, love and knitting,