Have Enough Courage to Love ~Maya Angelou

I would like to say I don't need this type of reminder, but as life deals you blows these reminders become important.

Love is powerful. It causes us to become giddy, excited, happy, confident, trusting, and strong.  It can also cause sadness, tears, anger, rage and to become mournful.  It's one of the strongest feelings in our scheme.

cour·age

/ˈkɜrɪdʒ, ˈkʌr-/ Show Spelled [kur-ij, kuhr-]  

 noun 

1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

2. Obsolete . the heart as the source of emotion.

Idioms

3. have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, especially in spite of criticism.

 

I don't know about you, but reading the definition for courage evokes an emotion inside me. It makes me want to face everything I've not and take care of business.

 

It also reminds me that to have courage, one must face many demons which could've been lurking for many years.

 

One of my biggest demons is dealing with a past relationship.  I've made HUGE strides in dealing with the emotional roller coaster involved in a break up, but it wasn't a typical relationship.  It was hurtful, hate-fueled, demeaning, and spirit-breaking.  It made me feel like I was less than I truly am and it took many years for me to feel close to whole again.

 

However, I realized I wasn't whole, because as many strides as I had made to better myself there was one thing still missing.

 

I was scared to love.

 

I don't mean scared.  I mean SCARED. I was scared to open myself up again for fear anything I said would be used against me. I was scared to care because someone had used up what I had and thrown it in my face. I was scared to cry from missing someone because they didn't miss me.  I was scared to show affection for fear it wouldn't be returned.

 

I was scared to be human to someone on a level that had previously been trampled, beaten and stomped upon.

 

I lost a couple of amazing friendships over being scared. That's okay. I couldn't appreciate what those people were for me.  I miss them now and hopefully I can re-kindle and make up for what I did. 

 

I would like to say I am no longer SCARED but a tiny little voice does pop up to be an asshole.  I remind myself that these emotions I am experiencing now are not related to the people I love.  They are not the reasons why I am scared and I should not push those emotions onto them or the relationships we have now.  I would like to say this is easy, but it is not.  I would like to say I do not have flashbacks to a time which I felt less secure and less courageous, but I cannot. 

 

What I can say is that everyday I grow a little stronger and everyday more appreciative of the courage and strength which is steadily growing in me.  I can say everyday I am more thankful then I have been in my entire life for what is given to me.  I can remind myself of the love I feel around me always and how much I yearned for it.  Daily reminders of people whom care for me in a way I never hoped and acceptance for who I am envelope me to provide warm security.

 

Every day I am more and more thankful.  Every day I become more whole.

 

Peace, love and knitting,

 

~Coles

Part Deaux-catch up blog for 2012!

Good Day my lovelies!

Part 2 of the catch up blog! yay!

So, where were we? Oh, yes, we were discussing the weight loss thing.

I've had quite a few questions over the last couple of years of how I did it.  So, here is a list of my tricks that I used to help  myself.  These will not work for everyone, but might help you think of your own tricks!

1. Pick which meals are the most important to you.

This might sound really, well, damn strange, but in reality it is the truth.  For some people EVERY meal is   important.  For others, they don't care about breakfast but love a big lunch.  Some want to just have a large breakfast and snack throughout the day.  I don't really care which way you do it, but pick out your favorite eating schedule.

2. Pick out which foods you absolutely love and cannot live without.

Again, what?? You want me to admit to my favorites? Hell, I'll help you get started! Pizza, steak, hamburgers, mashed potatoes and chocolate are on my list. 

3. How can you keep your favorite foods around?

"Okay, this girl is crazy. She is tellling me I can eat pizza and chocolate?"Yes, yes I am. How? Moderation.  So, to start off I LOVE pizza. I could eat it every day, obviously, this is a bad idea, so I switched in what form I ate pizza.  Hot pockets, the small cheap frozen pizzas, ordering a personal pizza instead of a large, or a calzone. It limits the amount of pizza I have available and therefore, cannot eat too much.  Also, I eat dessert every day. Yes, every day because it is THAT important to me to make sure I keep calories around for my sweets.

4. Omg, I'M STILL HUNGRY?? Now what?

Pick something else to eat. You don't really need anymore pizza, you really need a salad or some fruit or even yes, the piece of chocolate. Food is something you need to sustain yourself, not to gorge upon.  Once you have gone more than 3-5 bites into a certain type of food, you're just eating it, not savoring it.  Enjoy another food.

5. Use a calorie counting program.

Yes, count your calories. You will have 0 idea how  many calories are in the whole pizza until you see it in black and white.  It's eye opening. It will also help you appreciate how much 1000 calories v 500 calories is in the long run.  Also, once you start cutting things in half, it will all add up to pounds lost without exercise.

6. Tricks for eating out:

    1. Order appetizers-they're usually smaller portions and way better priced. Help your wallet too!
    2. Cut all your food in half, separate into 2 meals on plate.  Eat half of one meal, stop, wait 10 min.
    3. After 10 min, start to work on the other half of your meal making sure to listen to your stomach.
    4. Once your stomach tells you to stop, look at your food. Remind yourself of how much you have    eaten.
    5. Ask for a box, box up the other half of the meal, and immediately place your napkin & any table trash on plate.

Obviously, eating out will vary especially with sharing appetizers. Just make sure to count them towards your meal and remind yourself you don't need to eat a whole lot because you ordered a meal!  I am horribly bad at mexican restaurants by eating a lot of chips & salsa and ordering a big meal. I don't need that meal. So now, I ONLY order ala carte items.  2 tacos or enchiladas..something substantial but I do not need sides.

Okay, so now that I have sufficiently bored some of you, here is what you've really been waiting for which is my pictures. The left one was taken over Memorial Day weekend in 2010.  The right one was taken on NYE this year. (Please excuse the photo-bombing dogs. They're clueless! LOL!)

Whoops! 2012 went by quickly!

So, here it is a year and some change since I last wrote. My humblest apologies. I sort of wish I had kept up to date on this as 2012 proved to be rather trying in my personal and work life, so it would've been good to see all the good happening updated here instead of remembering the bad. But, to live is to learn. 

With that, will now be doing something fun for updating posts. I will also be adding some events that happened throughout the year so I can keep last year straight. I think as life goes on and things blend together we forget all the lovely, so my goal this year is to make it as AWESOME as possible so I remember the lovely. Sounds like a good plan eh? If you follow me on Twitter (@ladycoles) then you will know that any events I go to which I find are awesome or memorable, I am hashtag-ing as #partyon2013. This way, once 2014 happens, I can go back and remember the awesome. 

My first plan for this blog is to update profile including picture. The last 2 years I have embarked on a miraculous journey to re-invent myself via body. This means being more cognizant of what I'm eating, taking up jogging (YES! JOGGING!!!) and planning to walk/run my first 5k in 2013. I'm sad that it has taken me 29+ years to appreciate what I have and blessed with and that I should learn to take care of it, but I am thankful that I figured it out earlier, instead of later. 

I will admit, I've been lucky in the amount of support via family and friends I have had to work on this journey. They've not only encouraged me verbally, but have been supportive in encouraging me to go through with my plan to complete a 5k by providing me with ones to join, etc. I love them. 

Also, I know I might receive a question on how I've done this. I will tell you the truth, good ole fashioned exercise and watching my calories. I know, shocking right? I've received the question in the past of what made me do this? Well, 'tis very simple... 

(enter dreamy flashback music) 

I made an appointment with the bariatric (weight loss) surgeon to discuss options for surgery and how to get started, next steps and how to get it approved under my medical insurance. During the meeting, he asked me what my goal weight was and I explained to him about 180-170 as this is where I've always felt most comfortable. He made a ~slight~ grimace and said "Well, we would expect you to lose more than that amount as you really should be about 140."

Excuse me? 

Now, for those of you that don't know me day to day-no.one.tells.Nicole.what.to.do.with.her.own.self. 

I canceled all my further appointments, went home and made the decision THAT DAY that I was going to change myself for myself and fuck the rest of that lot. 

(exit dreamy flashback music) 

And that is part one of the catch up blog....you'll have to tune in for the next one, to find out more. I'll also be posting before and now pictures. :) 

 Peace, love and purl, Coles

Mark it down...May 1. Cooking happened.

I will fully admit to not doing much cooking as honestly, I'm only just okay at it. Like anything creative, I believe there are some people who are meant to be cooks and others who are blessed enough to be able to survive. I'm in the 2nd category.

I can dress a plate well as I'm excellent with colors and proportions, but ask me to flavor a plate and you are S*** out of luck!

Fortunately, since I can do simple things well, occasionally I get an idea.

My idea this week involved breakfast foods. I must eat breakfast every day otherwise I tend to binge eat after dinner (it's a vicious cycle). So, I normally buy little frozen or stop at popular chain to snag a sammy. This week, I am cleaning out my fridge with foods which need to go and as such, had this lil idea.

I took some ham (sister sent me home with a tub from easter), cut it up into 1/4 in slices, scrambled eggs and potatoes and voila: breakfast bowl.

Now, had I not had the ham already prepared, I would have had to make some bacon. The main point is that it took me 15 min to cook it all and package it and it cost me 3 potatoes (1 for each day) and the remainder of eggs....so for around $1.50 for all 3.

Awesome.